Skip to main content

It's That Time Of Year Again!

Disclaimer: This post is basically The Chatner fanfic.

It's That Time Of Year Again! The time of year to Apply Healing Salves. 

Anoint yourself with oils & pastes. So many different salves, all in tubes. Different tubes for lips, face, other part of face that is not lips, hands, rest of body, tattooed parts of body, maybe hair, definitely parts of body from which hair has been removed. 

Each paste is different because different parts of body have different skin needing different pastes, according to Little Sister Who Knows About Skincare and Convenience Store Aisle and Friends Who Know About Skincare and Social Media Content. Some tubes are same sizes, some tubes are different sizes, many tubes with similar colors and logos. Don't mix up the tubes!! Keep tubes organized for putting each specific paste on corresponding skin at correct approximate time of day. Additional tubes every year because body ages and dries out more. 

Too tired to apply salve? Tomorrow morning, you are coated in scales. Scales may be visible, invisible, visible but only to you, or perceptible only through feel of body. Can't reach parts of body? Those body parts are scales now until Weather Warm or Boyfriend Acquired.

Remember Opposite Time of Year? There were only two salves: first for stopping sunburn, second for stopping pain of sunburn after you forgot about the first one. Then, choice was between Grease Person or Lobster Person (pain). Now, choice is between Grease Person or Scales Person (itchy). Now there are so many more salves, only one for shielding from sun. Only face skin is afraid of sun, now, because there is less of sun and more of clothing. Remainder of body is afraid of cold and dry. The wind is harsh and you need oils and pastes. It’s that time of year!

Comments

  1. UnknownDecember 21, 2021 at 3:30 PM

    It's so true. I was a cishet man incapable of tubes. I am now Big Lizard Person. *Flicks Tongue*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HannahDecember 21, 2021 at 5:14 PM

      Learn to apply Oils and Salves! You will have skin again!

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tatnuck Bookseller

The smell was one part books, one part food, and one part warehouse. The floor was water-damaged hardwood. My mom met my stepdad there — in the poetry section, they said, although they refused to disclose more details. During the summer after fourth grade, we moved from the condo downtown across the street from the parking lot where my stepdad used to do a lap to pick up pieces of broken glass before watching me roller-blade around and around in circles. Now we had a two-story house with a big backyard and Christmas-light-ready porch. It happened just in time for me to be deemed old enough to walk unescorted to nearby Beaver Brook Park (with the dog) and convenience store (for candy). But my favorite destination was Tatnuck Bookseller. Here are a few momentous things that happened there… In elementary school: My mom always insisted that the end of The Giver was a metaphor for Jonas’ death, and I insisted she thought everything was a metaphor for death and couldn’t she lighten up?...
6 comments
Read more

The problem with "able-bodied"

I hate the word able-bodied. I would rather hear “crippled,” “deformed,” the saccharinely condescending “differently-abled,” or even “moist” whispered over and over directly into my ear, than hear someone describe the state of not being physically disabled as able-bodied . Obligatory disclaimers: I’m going to explain why I hate “able-bodied” because I’m in a complaining mood and because I can’t expect other people to alter their language or actions based on my whims without building a convincing argument. But before I do, I should acknowledge that the language I use to talk about disability is probably every bit as grating to plenty of people who aren’t me. There is not vocabulary consensus in the disability community. Lively debates rage about person-first vs. identity first language (“people with disabilities” and “disabled people," respectively). I think it’s a mistake to focus too much on language in conversations about disability. Too often, nondisabled people are afraid t...
Post a Comment
Read more