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Short Conversations with My Inner Critic

HANNAH BROWN (HB): This is a pretty original, fun-to-read meditation on body art, bodily autonomy, and disability!

MY INNER CRITIC (MIC): Kinda? But also the last sentence in the second-to-last paragraph is a bit of a non-sequitur, or at least needs unpacking, and the ending comes across as really positive, which almost renders the whole piece hollow and superficial. You should probably focus exclusively on these two flaws and hide this essay away until you get to a final set of revisions that make it perfect.

HB: I think it’s really better to get it out on paper and let it see the light of day, though!

MIC: Oh, no, definitely not, but that gives me an idea. Why not leave it in your brain indefinitely? Just think about it in the shower or on walks and it’ll be brilliant (as long as you never actually write it)!

HB: That jazz combo is tough!

MIC: You’re not going to get it.

HB: What? I mean, I don’t have it now, but if I practice it at ho -

MIC: No, you didn’t get it immediately, so there’s no way you’ll ever get it.

HB: I really feel like that’s not how that works.

MIC: Get the choreographer to move you to a new spot on the far left in case you need to drop out.

HB: But -

MIC: Do it. Do it!

HB: Ok, ok!

MIC: Psst. Hey. Wake up.

HB: Hnnuh…what? It’s 1:30 in the morning, what do you want?

MIC: You really phoned it in on that preheader for the small class sizes campaign email at work today.

HB: What?

MIC: Do u even care about smaller class sizes

HB: I don’t think the preheader on my email blast will be the deciding factor on that legislation.

MIC: Ok, so you hate all the city’s schoolchildren, got it.

HB: So it’ll just be a short, sweet reflection on that metaphor about yoga posture! How my hand is always face-up in a “receptive” position when I’m seated, much like how being visibly disabled means you’re always receiving feedback about your body from the culture, people, and institutions around you. What do you think?

MIC: Hm…

HB: What? Too earthy-crunchy?

MIC: It seems niche.

HB: Niche?

MIC: Yeah, like, I’m picturing the kind of person who would write this, or read it and relate, as someone who you would date just casually for three months…

HB: Oh. We’re doing this again.

MIC: …And then ultimately reject in favor of a new girlfriend who, one can only assume…

HB: Just skip to the –

MIC: We can only assume she doesn’t use -

HB AND MIC, IN UNISION: Too many adverbs and overly-complex sentences

MIC: Yeah!

HB: Yeah. That seems relevant, thanks for bringing that up.

HB:

MIC:

HB: …

MIC:

HB: What if I tried –

MIC: Remember that time in seventh-grade homeroom when you got your period and bled through your jeans on the chair and you kept saying it wasn’t you but everyone knew it was you because you had your sweatshirt tied around your waist and then they stole your Harry Potter book and threw it up on top of the lockers?

HB: What does that have to do with anything?

MIC: I just want you to keep it in mind. 

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